Yes, but…Yes, but…HOW??

Elizabeth stretches arms up to the sky, rolls her head to loosen her neck, cracks knuckles*

Let’s do this.

How do we accomplish self-love?

I know what you’re thinking: Hell, I’ll even take self-like. Yep. Welcome to the club.

Pour yourself a cup of coffee, get comfy in your favorite seat, tell everyone to leave you alone because I’m about to take you to school. I get asked this question all the time and I always have to pause for a moment when women ask me this because I have to remember that there is a striking number of women out there that believe I have reached this goal myself. I have not. But in my journey to figuring out how best to at least TRY to achieve this goal, I have learned a thing or two.

Let me be clear: after reading this post you will not instantly fall in love with yourself because this is not a magic potion. Additionally, you may very well read this post and call bullshit. That would be a righteous and justified reaction because there is no one-size-fits-all to loving yo-self. All I can do is tell you what I do, what I think helps, and as a result of my own hit-or-misses have come to a conclusion regarding this mystical and witchy thing called self-love. (Gawd I hate that term…it’s become so commercialized it’s lost all meaning anymore. But I digress…)

If I haven’t lost your interest yet, this next bit may be the final nail in the coffin. Here is the number one thing, the end-all-be-all, the answer of all answers to the question posed above. Here it is, in all its glory:

To accomplish self-love, you only need one thing: EFFORT.

E.F.F.O.R.T.

I know. It seems so underwhelming.

See, we all think if we nail just one more diet, get one more shot of botox, buy that one last pair of designer shoes, buy that expensive car and/or house, or “fill in the blank”, we will FINALLY love ourselves because we will FINALLY look like a person that deserves to love ourselves or be the person that owns those things that people we think are worth love own. Man…if it were only that easy, eh?

The truth is that it’s actually much harder than that. You see, the actions you need to take in order to begin seeing yourself in a different way actually has absolutely zero to do with what you look like or what you own. It has absolutely everything to do with putting your energy into places that no one else in this world will even notice, until they notice an entirely internally transformed you standing before them.

It’s so much easier when we can do something that gets noticed immediately and we can get some kind of (false) recognition to feed our love-starved souls. The good news is that once you invest in your own effort, the eventual acknowledgement and kudos you will receive in due time is the kind that is real, sticks with you, yet truthfully by the time you do receive it, you won’t even need it. Isn’t that the best kind of acceptance anyway? The kind that you appreciate but don’t need?

I promise…you can get there. All you have to do is apply EFFORT.

About 3 years ago, I realized I was living in a bottomless pit of self-loathing and had been living there for quite a few years. I know exactly how I got there, but that’s for another time. The point is, I was in a very unfamiliar place and I landed there with no skills or tools to help pull myself out. You see, I had never considered not liking myself before. Yes, there were things about myself physically and otherwise I would loved to have changed, but who doesn’t feel that way? Knowing we all felt that way is exactly what allowed me to accept myself as-is and be on my merry way. It simply never dawned on me that, although certainly imperfect in so many ways, I was unworthy of anyone’s love, let alone my own.

Once I realized where I was dwelling, I instantly understood exactly what I needed to accept and what I needed to do to get out of there. So here we go…

MINDSET

I understood that only me, myself, and I had the sole responsibility to change my perspective. It didn’t matter how I got there, or who I believed put me there (side note: me. I put myself there. I can blame anyone I want, and I have, but the fact of the matter is that the ultimate responsibility lies with me). The only thing I knew I had to immediately accept was that no one but me could put forth the effort to make a change. Anything else was a waste of time and a game called blame. Once I accepted this, nothing stole my thoughts anymore. I reclaimed the spaces in my mind for myself and learned to let go of the anger and resentment. This was how I freed myself for my Self.

I knew that crawling out of that pit was only half the battle. It would take learning how to implement new behaviors into my life and a lifelong commitment to those behaviors to make sure I never again returned to that pit for a long stay. Yes, I have returned there more than once for short visits. The trick is to remember there is always a door leading out. This commitment has saved me more than once and it is a commitment I have to make to myself daily. It’s not a foregone conclusion. It’s a place of work.

HEARTSET

I knew I had to heal my heart. It was so broken in so many ways. Just thinking of it can bring me to tears because a heart never forgets. It can heal, but the map of trails we have walked all over our hearts never erases. Remember this not to torture yourself, but to remind yourself that you have the power to heal. No matter how far lost it seems you are, there is always a trail back.

For the first time in my life, I began reading non-fiction. I used to love getting lost in the fiction other’s stories in different places and different times, but had recently lost interest in that genre and began to get curious about real women with real stories about their own real lives. It brought back the memory of what I had always known but somehow forgot: we are never alone in our struggles. No matter what it is that’s bringing you down, someone else out there is going through it too. Remembering that we are all the same in so many ways brought my heart peace again and reading gave that to me.

This led me to listening to podcasts that were so inspirational to me and made my heart feel so light again. Hearing stories of other women rising from their ashes always gave me power. So much of the courage these stories gave to me turned into blog posts for all of you. I just couldn’t keep these revelations a secret.

I then started to give myself something I had never really considered before: care. I realized that it was silly to wait for someone else to provide gestures of goodwill, love, or care when I could do that for myself, and in fact, had a responsibility to myself for my own self-care. I quickly realized that there was no limit to spoiling myself and I don’t mean by purchasing a new sweater. I spent time learning what fulfilled me and where my time was best spent that resulted in feeling happy. I researched things I wanted to learn about, I gave myself alone time without guilt, I began filling myself up with daily habits before I gave myself to others, I took long drives for no reason, I took long walks in neighborhoods I’d never been to, I ate long dinners in restaurants alone, watched people as I sat on a blanket outside…I even took myself out on lovely dates. I realized I was some of my own best company and all of a sudden I felt less and less pressure to fill my time so that I didn’t have to think. Now, all I wanted to do was think.

SOULSET

I knew I needed more help than I could give myself. I had tried traditional talk-therapy a few years ago and I hated it. If you follow me then you know I see a reiki practitioner regularly and it has been an extraordinary game-changer for me. My reiki practitioner, Sharna, is also an intuitive, so not only can she work to move energy and blockages that muck up my energy body, she can tell me the how’s and the why’s of the blockages in the first place. This was instrumental in my healing because I needed to know the root of my pain so that I could learn how to build the skills I needed so as to not repeat the same mistakes. Reiki with Sharna is medicine for my soul.

I also knew I needed to get quiet. Generally speaking, I’m not a person that can easily sit still so this was and still is difficult for me, but when I take the time to regularly meditate it’s like what I imagine it feels like for someone that loves exercise at the end of a badass workout. I just feel so loose, connected, and like I accomplished something in those moments. It’s my connection to the Divine and the mind-routine that I fulfill at the beginning of each meditation that feeds my soul.

After I meditate, I then get to dump my soul into one of my most favorite of all of the activities I never thought I’d like: journaling. I always wanted to be that person that journaled because they seemed so together, but just never did it. I instinctively knew that during this process I needed a place to dump my soul onto and I knew it needed to be words and I knew it needed to be written. Not voice-recorded, not typed, not just thoughts in my mind. I needed it to be handwritten so it took me time and came with purpose. I have worked out so many things while journaling, it’s all a miracle to me. On those pages are anger, hatred, love, dreams, cutting ties, commitments, letting go, bringing in, and all the things…all the things. Journaling washes my soul clean on the daily.

BODYSET

This. This is still super hard for me as I am so lazy. Just…so damn physically lazy. The best I can do here is walking, and occasionally biking. I can’t stand anything more than exercising for the sake of exercising. Give me 10 errands to complete that requires 5 miles of walking or 10 miles of biking and I’m your girl. Tell me those 5 or 10 miles is just for the sake of health and you can go pound salt. I have to have a purpose to be physical and not just keeping my heart healthy. I either have to be curious about something, need to see something or experience something, or have a task to achieve within a physical activity or it’s not happening. I do love walking the neighborhoods in urban settings that I’d never walk otherwise and seeing the homes, the people, and life happening all around. Or, I’ll start in one neighborhood and walk to the other because there is a coffeeshop there that I’ll take my journal to and write the day away.

For my body, I also let go of the guilt of not caring about exercise. I don’t want to get old and not be able to move, but I will be honest that I also don’t feel the need to be 80 and crest Mt. Kilimanjaro. I am willing to move for purpose or enjoyment and nothing else. Period. My body is just fine with that.

TRAVELING

Traveling feeds all the parts of me in totality. I’ve recently discovered how much I love solo travel and have now made it a natural part of my life. I was bitten by the travel bug long ago but for some reason never really allowed myself to imbibe for most of my life. I now see how much it’s a part of me and I will always remain committed to travel. It feeds all of me and is a necessity for my wellbeing.

GUILTSET

This is still a work in progress for me but I’m getting better at it. I realized I just couldn’t waste time feeling guilty anymore. Guilty for wanting things for myself, guilty for not being able to reach other’s expectations, guilty for simply being who I am in my entirety. In one way or another, I’ve always been made to feel like who I am is either not good enough or something I constantly should be apologizing for. Letting that go and no longer asking permission in small and big ways to simply be true to myself is a gift I wish upon every woman in this universe. Unfortunately, it’s only a gift you can give to yourself but I highly recommend investing in it.

FORGIVENESS

This practice is also still a work in progress but I find that when I give myself just as much forgiveness as I give others, my life brightens. I am no slave to all of the things I’ve listed above and I do them when I want to and forgive myself when I don’t.

I also accept that I am fallible, flawed, and imperfect. I feel no need to forgive myself for being these things, as we are all these things. I forgive myself when I forget that being fallible, flawed, and imperfect is to simply be human.

I forgive myself when I forget that I am in the midst of the human experience and with that experience must come grace. I give myself grace.

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These may be all the things I have learned in the last 3 years that have helped me be a better woman to myself, but they might not be yours and that’s ok. The point is, these are my efforts and you have to figure out your own.

Start small, be patient, be creative, and know that the only wrong action here is no action at all.

Trust me, you’re worth it.